Rest days are a vital part of an exercise routine. I suspect that if she did all those things, his critiques would ramp up x1,000,000 because she is successful and he wants to cut her back down and put her back under his control. Exactly. Discussing how the medications and counseling actually work in the context of the disease helped him understand that I was doing what I needed to do and gave him some appropriate ways to offer assistance. Hey, when I say, I did X! and you say, Great! Only the writer can ascertain the true lay of the land, and Im very pleased shes seeing a good therapist; she seems to be on the road to recovery. I dont even have to duly note your concern or take that under advisement. Yeah, this may be coming from a place of already focusing a bit intensely on food and exercise (history of disordered eating and over-exercise here) but to me this sounds like a recipe for mental health disaster. Giving him space will also give you the opportunity to make him miss you and see how much value you add to his life. Someone who doesnt follow your clear requests on how to help you might not be good at helping you, or motivated to help you. You cant be shamed or cajoled into doing those things: it might work for a little while, but unless the changes are self-implemented in a healthy and manageable way, theyre not going to stick. Because cookies were next to my bed. It doesnt matter whether he hasnt ridden in a month or he did so a couple of days ago. Id put one more thing on that disaster preparedness list: a good friend who will hang out with you should you start to feel lonely. Can you sock some money away for a rainy day? Let him know youre concerned and explain why. You already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. When a relationship is 50/50 on decisions (yes, you have equal say!) Can you help me strategize ways to respond? This is an ongoing issue, and you have an ongoing resource at your disposal to work on it. How does this affect you will work on a reasonable person. Dear LW, Independently from what you decide, be aware of that. Its hard to cuddle with someone you just arent connected to. Sometimes she gives me general approval to do something if shes having a rough time (food check-ins) and other things only count as very specific situational approval that has to be renewed any time I do it (phoning her psych, removing sharp objects). Its that he doesnt care about Actual you. Your Mileage May Vary. If a guy doesnt offer to pay, he doesnt care about impressing you. Beloved Human gets it now, and if I send a text saying, X happened, and Im flailing. Maybe your boyfriend can learn different ways of responding to you and learn how to respect your stated wishes without requiring to justify them. When your partner stops maintaining your relationship, that spark can easily die out as dissatisfaction and resentment builds up." Here are seven gestures that your partner may stop doing if your. Then he was a royal PITA trying to get me back, because I turned out to be harder to upgrade than he expected again, hindsight! They are not feelings police tools. On a very small and lighter note, and maybe as perspective, I think that eating whatever the heck one wants when partner is out of town is The Very Best Thing You Could Ever Do. He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). Granted, I know manipulative people who are in total denial that they are so, and are sure everything they are doing is for other peoples good (again, back to the 5-year-old Im helping!). We also set aside a weekly time for Partnership Serious Talks and during that time we create a space for advice and suggestions that we then do not revisit at any other point during the week. Living in constant stress, even if its a stress youve chosen yourself in the name of self-improvement, isnt good for you. Anonymous: Anonymous wrote:Asexual people are asexual- they don't want sex even when the relationship is new and exciting. By the time our relationship came to an end, we fought about the stupidest things, because we were both really fighting over who got to decide how I behaved. I noticed that when I bicycle up hills, a lot of times whatever upset me that day/week/month will start to replay at fever pitch inside my head. In hindsight a lot of stuff was terrible and controlling but because I was invested beilived what he said until there was no trust left at all and I had utterly tried everything to get him to listen. We are high maintenance and needy, its all caused by our hormones (and that somehow makes it funny/unimportant), we are dismal and pathetic. The thing here is that logic and reason are being juxtaposed against emotion as binary opposites. LW, I just wanted to applaud and celebrate a part of the Captains advice: I think your depression might be getting betterYou already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. You are the person who knows whats best for you. What is it that he doesnt like anymore and related to your relationship together? The situation seems chock full of red flags to me. This is part of why we dont have a good relationship). It seems like his help is nothing more than poorly disguised undermining of you. avert! To be honest, Im in a long-term relationship with a dude who is otherwise pretty damn great, but occasionally he comments on my wellbeing in a way that gets my back up (like telling me the severity of my issues is getting worse when Im acutely aware that its because Im under stress, or making it out that Im imposing Difficult Family Members on myself when its either manage a difficult visit or not see my family, ever). Encouragement. Maybe Im coming off as too harsh, and if I am I apologize. Oh wow. Don't let your wishes control your thoughts and feelings. But that makes deliberately exercising seem like Im bowing down to that warped idea of my self-worth. It could be as simple as saying to him, I noticed you've been distant recently, is there something bothering you? I dont try to argue other people out of their feelings, because unless I develop telepathy (avert! I know hes great and all LW, but everything I read about him makes me twitch.. Mood swings. All of the Captains response has me leaping up saying Yes! because I so agree. It sounds like you two have a chance. Even from a 5-year-old thats pretty immature. This may also disarm any exes who set out to be hostile. I will always be a survivor of sexual assault and emotional abuse who has depression and obsessive compulsive tendencies. I have two of those exes and there my collection ends! He still has episodes but they are further apart and not as bad when they happen, because a big chunk of the emotional part of his depression was seated in a feeling of helplessness, and owning his own stuff made him feel competent. That said, your concerns are totally valid and your boyfriend is being disrespectful of you and your relationship by keeping up the constant communication with his ex. At all. Hooo yes. Because I didn't have my phone, he started asking me these questions in person. All the love and respect in the world, dear Terrible. I think you are going to be just fine and that you know what is best for you. And at one point ran into one of his grown kids from the first family on a boardwalk. He may feel like criticizing you is the only way to help. Guys, on the other hand, typically view themselves as weak and incapable if they voice their feelings or lean on other people for help or support. A very strange conversation with the chatbot built into Microsoft's search engine led to it declaring its love for me. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, but hes come to the conclusion that, if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. Give him some space to take care of his things and do what he needs to do before you start making demands on how much time he should be spending with you or expecting that your relationship will always come first every single time without question. theres a bigamist in my family tree too- except he faked his own death. Some men just dont want to be committed; it is not your responsibility to change that. Its really easy to end up with similarly dodgy partners. Go on a hike and pack a picnic. They write because stuff is horrible and awful and they cant work out how to fix it (without breaking up). Some of our friends came up with a concotion called a Mahi Mahi pizza, which is basically a Hawaiian pizza with anchovies. A few weeks ago I started to notice that, well, he kind of smelled bad. It was easier for him to say eat soup, no not that soup, get more cardio than say I was really scared when you got so depressed you couldnt get out of bed. Re-reading I realized the last couple lines sounded really patronizing and I didnt mean it that way. And if you have depression??? And you dont need to accept this as appropriate treatment. Flags! What does your therapist say about the way your boyfriend tries to continually act as your self-appointed monitor/life coach? Was there a specific moment where things changed, or were they gradual just something small at first but now taking up all of his time so he doesnt have any left for you anymore? The Logick Kraken might make a lot of sense to you, at first. Emotion or relationship conversations have to start with establishing a logical framework of the situation that makes sense to him; if hes confused, he clams up in great distress. But it still got on my last nerve, and undermined my motivation to develop healthy habits. And yes, those cultural messages are a large part of the reason I still often feel like I am a failure because my (emotionally abusive) ex dumped me and I now have to mark Divorced every damn year when I do my taxes. Maybe it's been a day, or days, or even weeks. My relationships are my safe space, my place of comfort, a foundation from which to push myself off of and to come back to when the world has worn me down. Those ultra-logical people can sure be jerks, but theyre not the only ones. Just wanted to clarify that, unlike LWs boyfriend, I never tried to help my ex. Its a hard thing to let go when youre not sure if your loved one will sink or swim, but you have to let go and let them do for themselves, or you just end up smothering them and the relationship. You will lose your boyfriend if you clutch him too tightly. Earlier in your relationship, your partner was always interested in finding out things about you, from your goals and dreams, to your likes and dislikes, and even how your day was. You can also go to the civil route and try and sue him for it since it is in your name and belongs to you. If your boyfriend is receptive to feedback, wants to repair the relationship, and expresses a desire to respect your boundaries, a conversation may be a healthy way for you to find closure or express your hurt. Essentially, he supported me equally on good days and bad days. Ashlyn Cook, 25, appeared in Kalgoorlie Magistrates Court on Monday where she . When Dude just tells you that he knows best for you, that is patronising as fuck. My wife suffers from depression and anxiety which results in her not exercising, not eating right (or sometimes at all), skipping self-care, not getting out, not maintaining friendships, and a few other self-destructive issues. We love each other and were helping each other feel better. I had a sudden and first time episode of pretty bad depression after being with my husband for 5+ years. A friend of mine called this sort of explanation, First, the earth cooled, Beware of I am very logical as a cover for I dont think your feelings matter and I dont care if I hurt you.. Poetry of Nope is my new favourite phrase! Honestly its tough. Thats right, mind your own business.* Asking how it affects him could give him an opener for a feelingsdump, and I wouldnt want LW put in the position of feeling like she has to manage his feelings about what she does with her own body. What happened to the man who always knew what to say and how to make it all better? People do get used to roles, and if youve been in the role of the sick one who needs help and your partner got used to the role of the competent one who knows what should be done and should be listened to, then you are challenging those roles by getting healthier. He didnt like it when I asked him to not share diet advice. I dont know what your boyfriends views on your therapist or on therapy in general are, but he might use a comment like this as evidence that your therapist clearly has no clue whats going on in your life so you should just listen to him and do everything he says. If nothing changes, then its time to decide whether this is something you can live with or not. You know that he is flirting with those other girls, even if you cant see him do it. Telling me I am not being logical. LW you got this. Your b/f much to his dismay, perhaps is not the boss of you. Its like saying well, be careful not to be happy. I generally figure that a persons issues are their own, and what they choose to do (or not) about them is their own decision. I have no idea if my dumping him finally gave him the kick in the pants he needed to dowell, anything (we havent talked since he moved his stuff out), but I can say my life improved drastically! He isnt attempting to start any type of dialogue at all! My great-grandfather had families in the UK, Germany and Australia, none of whom were aware of each other until Facebook. If she is similar, then making it easier to have the social thing happen and harder to get out of once agreed to may be helpful. I can love him, help him in the ways he asks to be helped, but not drown alongside him. Basically, when my brain is yelling at me, but what if he gets worse?!? Focus on your own emotional, spiritual, and physical health. Id probably be a lot less functional had he pushed me. From the information we have from the letter, Id say theres an incorrect assumption hiding in there. You cant have all your food be treats otherwise youre not actually eating healthy food, but they are needed or you burn out and develop an eating disorder. Run. Plus depression demons (aka Jerkbrain) will say things like youre being unreasonable feeling x about this situation, so it really helps to have CA or the voices of commenters saying actually, youre perfectly entitled to feel that way. Did you eat at any cool restaurants on your trip? Hey, I just want to make sure you are eating your vegetables. Im actually the boss of that, and I dont want to run my food intake by you anymore, thanks. That means no vegetables, I guess. You are healing, why shouldnt your home and your relationship be a place you can feel comfortable? That does not sound like respect. Reasonable. He assumes you want to understand things as exhaustively as he wants to, so (if you have asked about a thing, like say directions or a computer how-to) he goes ON and ON into tiny details unless you stop him. Validation. In detail. If your partner loves you, then he'll be open to working on them with you. *I do not recommend you use this tone, Im just naturally combative and I hate being told what to do. Not immediately or perfectly, but noticeably and more over time. Not okay. I know plenty of people who want to be helpful but dont really know how. 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